Jill Carroll tells her story

Jill Carroll, the journalist who was kidnapped and held in Iraq for 82 days, is giving the account of her ordeal in an 11 part series running in the The Christian Science Monitor. Part 1, titled "The Kidnapping," was made available today on the paper's Web site.

This first segment had a couple of particularly poignant moments, the first being when Jill recounts how, when she was certain she would be killed, she begged one of her captors to make her death quick by shooting her. "Promise me you will use this gun to kill me by your own hand," she told him. "I don't want that knife, I don't want the knife, use the gun."

On the first evening of her captivity, Jill tells her captors she is ready to go to sleep and is led to an upstairs bedroom. Lying there, she relived the events of the day, the most horrific being the murder of her interpreter and friend, Alan. Jill had watched him be killed.

"Oh my God. They killed Alan," she thought to herself.

Jill realized she couldn't deal with her grief now. "I have to put it away," she thought. She remembers looking up toward the ceiling and talking to Alan, telling him how sorry she was and that she would "take care of you later" and recounts the guilt she was feeling at that moment.
"I felt disloyal. I thought to survive, I had to push aside the memory of his brutal murder. But I knew that at some point I'd have to come to terms with the guilt I felt for his death."

Alan Enwiya left behind a wife, Fairuz and two children, a daughter, Mary Ann and a son, Martin. He is also survived by his parents.

The Christian Science Monitor has set up a fund for Alan's family which will enable them to resettle in the United States where they have family. Donations can be sent to:

The Alan Enwiya Fund
c/o The Christian Science Monitor
One Norway Street
Boston, MA 02115

Donations can also be made online.

The series also includes video interviews with Jill where she tells her story and answers questions previously submitted by readers, image galleries and a podcast.